Pandemic

Wow. What a crazy and weird time we are living through.

Before all of this came to light, I'd been struggling to manage neck pain that turned out to be severe arthritis and bone spurs. Went through PT, started chiropractor, ice/heat, OTC pain meds, and nothing worked. PT and chiro sometimes made it flare up more. Sitting at my desk was the worst. So, after seeing a specialist and talking it through with my primary care doc, who I really like and trust, I had a cervical ablation, radio-frequency rhizotomy, which is basically burning the nerves to alleviate the pain. I had it done this past Friday, the 13th. I do feel relief from the arthritic pain but I'm also still recovering from the soreness from the procedure. Feeling pretty good overall.

Because of this pain, I haven't been working out. I last lifted at the meet back in September. I really didn't think I'd be away this long. The plan had been to have the procedure sooner but changes in my insurance made me start that process all over again. So, that sucked and was super frustrating.

My coach really didn't want me to stop. I didn't either but felt I needed to. At some point though, our schedules weren't aligned. He needed to coach in the morning which was when he used to coach me. I'd planned to ask him about remote coaching after my procedure... But then the pandemic happened. Now the gym is closed and he is remote coaching all clients. I'm not sure I'm in a position to ask for personal training sessions right now. That's ok. I have physical therapy to manage already.

I'm back on my treadmill for now. Walking two 15 minute sessions a day is the plan. I'd really like to run again. I'd really like to lift again. I'd like to be fit again.

Joy

joy

joi/

noun

1a :  the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires :  delight

 b :  the expression or exhibition of such emotion :  gaiety 

2:  a state of happiness or felicity :  bliss 

3 :  a source or cause of delight

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/joy

My orthopedic doctor, when she explained to me that I should refrain from high intensity or overhead movements or workouts (like running and CrossFit), offered that she hoped she wasn't taking away my joy by saying that. I said that she wasn't, that I needed someone to tell me to stop because I would keep trying otherwise. Later, I realized, it also didn't matter because I'd already stopped (and started, and stopped, and started) enough times to have long lost my joy in those things. At some point, it started to feel like work. Over time, it became something I wasn't good at anymore (before realizing I was actually injured). Then it became difficult and painful. And now, I can't do any of it.

There was a point where I thought I just wasn't working hard enough. Or I was not consistent enough or not hydrated enough or not focused enough or not determined enough or... It is hard to let that all go when it has been the one thing holding me all together, making me who I am. But, when you have to remake your world because nothing is the same anymore (and for a middle child that is very difficult) maybe letting it go is what is necessary. At any rate, it was necessary to let it go because I couldn't do it anymore.

Now who am I?

My true joy, for the past 21 years, has been My Love. Love of my life. Joy of my days. It is how we greet each other nearly every day. And those little ones bring me lots of joy as well. I am a very lucky woman indeed! But, creating my own joy is also important. Motorcycling is joyful, sometimes stressful but mostly joyful. Work, it is also a joy to be able to do what I love and know that it matters. And I'm pretty good at it so, that helps. Being an athlete also brings me joy. And I'm good at it. I need that in my life. I do. It is a part of who I am.

I have a PT appointment on Friday. I made an appointment with a new massage therapist for next month. It is hopefully a step on the road to recovery and rejuvenation. And discovery. This is a new journey for me. A new challenge to rebuild. It certainly won't be easy. I'm feeling my age for sure. A new challenge to rediscover myself.

Wish me luck!

Run the Year 2017

Apparently, some time ago, I registered for the Resolute Runner 5K which was this morning. I've run this 5K twice before. It's actually my PR race. It's one I really like. It's close to home. It's on the bike path. It's flat. But, this morning, I was not ready to run. I haven't been ready to run in a very long time. I toyed with the idea of walking it but I've been trying to be more mindful of how I actually feel. My hips, both of them, still hurt. Bursitis. I've walked on the treadmill last week for about 20 minutes each time. That's less than a mile usually. I need to pay attention to myself and do what's best to rebuild and come back stronger. It is very hard to do that. But this morning I did. I didn't push it and I decided to do my 1 mile walk on the treadmill. I even did some stretching after.

Ndank, ndank.

I am registered for this Run the Year 2017 challenge. Run or walk 2,017 miles, either solo or as a team of up to 4. My stepdaughter asked me to do it with her and we invited my sister. Maybe this team will keep me focused. I hope to start out slow and ramp up to a half marathon by the end of the year. Or maybe just a bunch of shorter races.

I am also registered for the winter 6-pack series. I'm doing the progressive races, starting at 1 mile and finishing at a 10K. The first race is on the 7th. Again, I'll likely be walking it. Start out slow and then ease up. Nadank, ndank.

Can she do it? Stay tuned.

Remember

I remember the exact moment I gave up. It was after my dad's funeral at the repast. I don't remember much about that day but I know there was lots of food. That's how we roll in New Orleans. Someone brought a pan of Popeye's biscuits. That's when I knew. I was letting go. That's when I gave up. Nothing really mattered anymore and I didn't care.

Being focused on healthy eating is exhausting when you first start doing it. It's rewarding for sure and that reward drives you to stick with it. But, at that moment, I had nothing left. No energy for myself or anyone or anything else. I lost my focus. And it didn't matter. I needed what little energy and focus that I did have to get through every day, to go back to work, to learn my new job, to manage my staff. I did it poorly I'm sure. I really don't remember any of it.

The end of February will make three years for me at the Gardens. Three years. I've gained nearly 30 pounds in that time. Lost all of the gains I'd built. I'm heavier than when I first started CrossFit. I've heavier than I've ever been. And the least healthy I've ever been. It's been...sad.

So, starting, not over, but again. Starting again. It's very hard. It must be done. The road I am on is not one I every thought I'd be traveling down. I'm 48 years old. The older we get the harder it is to do the work. But, I have the gift of experience to guide me and to encourage me. I've done it before. I can do it again. Patience. Trust. Remember.

It's hard.

Do the work.

Stick with it.

2014 becomes 2015

Many plans and goals went unfulfilled this year due to many challenging events. Getting through this year was exhausting, emotionally and physically. And, I'm certain we are not through it all simply because I've hung a new calendar on the fridge. No. Life doesn't really work that way. But, it does carry on, which is what we shall try to do, as best we can. Life changing events make you into a new person. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. It's best to accept that truth and move on. You can't go back. You can't change the past, no matter how much you want to beg for it or cry about it. You can and should cry as much as you want. That's ok. But, here we remain, in the present, and in a way, less than we were before. We will always miss the ones we love.

I joined CrossFit Verve in March 2014. I didn't bring any goals or expectations with me at first. I was learning about my new job at the Denver Botanic Gardens and that seemed like enough to worry about at the time. I'd made some goals at my old box, CrossFit Roots. Those were in the back of my mind but I wasn't too worried about them. I just wanted to start a new routine and try to be consistent. Early morning WODs were something I never thought I would be able to do. I'm not a morning person at all. But, eventually, it felt comfortable and more doable. It did take a while to get there though.

And then the world as we knew it began to change. My sister-in-law's husband, Dave, was diagnosed with leukemia. He needed to come to Denver for treatment so, without hesitation, they moved in with us. At about the same time, my dad was fighting lung cancer in Houston. The roller coaster that we couldn't get off began. Lots of ups and downs, good news, bad news, no news, highs and lows, came at us every day. Road trips that we didn't want to make were made. Conversations we didn't want to have were had.

My dad died on July 15th, five and a half months ago. Dave died on December 19th, two weeks ago.

It is a crushing unbelievable sadness.

I have no words of encouragement or motivational quips about cancer or loss. None of that matters. Right now we just try to endure. I am very fortunate to have positive healthy family and in-law relationships. We lean on each other. We hold each other up. We try to always have kleenex handy. We hug or not as needed. We go on.

One bright spot has been my new job. I could be at work and have some sort of control over the tasks I had to do and be successful. I could ask questions and get answers. I could set tasks and enact change. Even when small disasters struck (water leak in the serials storage room), I could manage the clean up and lead a team successfully. It was a much needed sense of security, something I had very little of at my last job. I will be forever grateful that I was head librarian at the botanic gardens at this time in my life.

It's been difficult to try to think of new resolutions for crossfit and running. I somehow managed to achieve one of the goals I'd set for myself before leaving Roots. I managed to make it to the top of the rope and back down again. That was pretty cool. I also ran a bucket list half marathon, the Indy Mini. That was very cool. And me and my sister ran the Rock and Roll Denver Half Marathon Relay as well. My 2:30 half marathon time goal is still out there. And improving my mobility for crossfit is also still out there. I don't think I'll dwell on either just yet. I think I'll just try to enjoy my fitness day-to-day and see what happens.

Or maybe I'll shoot for a sub 30 minute 5K this year.... :-)

And now, some photos of my feet. :-)

Work

CrossFit

Running

Happy New Year!

That's the thing about the WOD

That's the thing about the WOD or running long slow distance. It's a mental and physical test. The mental means you have to be present in that moment, to keep your body moving forward, to complete the challenge. That's the thing. It's the reason I love it. I can't think of anything else but that motion or movement or whatever you are asking your body to do. Be present. Embrace the suck as they say. That suck is fleeting. An hour. 15 minutes. Three hours. Whatever it is, you know there is an end. So you focus on that end and get through it. 

It's a great way for me to have a moment of peace and clarity. But it's only a moment. When it's over, there is still reality and all the things you are trying to forget. Those things are still there. Waiting. Reality. It sucks sometimes. 

I want to live in the CrossFit moment. Just for a little while. Maybe a week. It would be a nice vacation. 

CrossFittin'

So, things have been a bit out of whack lately, to say the least. After a tumultuous month of July, I am still struggling to get back into the groove of things. Lack of sleep has kept me from the morning WODs. Stress and lack of sleep kept me from several days of WODS altogether. But, last week and this week I've made it to the evening Skilz class and one early morning WOD. (Thanks workout buddy!) I feel like I've fallen behind but I don't really care. I'm pretty glad just to make it to class.

Today we lifted. Front squats. 5 sets of 5 reps building to a heavy set of 5. The first three were paused, meaning slowly squat (a three count) then hold for a three count before standing. That's really hard. The last two were supposed to be heavy and at a normal pace. My heaviest set was 85lbs. It felt good to lift heavy things.

I've lost track of what my PRs are or what I was lifting at Roots before I came to Verve. That used to bother me a lot and I felt like I was going backward. But, it's a new gym, with new coaches, and also with different coaches every day. So, they notice different little things that I need to work on which keeps me lifting pretty light weight while I make those little corrections. Today I decided it didn't matter anymore what the weight was. It only matters that I show up. It doesn't matter if I do the Skilz class or the main WOD. It only matters that I show up.

I started at Verve in March or April. I think I'll feel comfortable setting goals for 2015. For now, I just need to continue to show up. And not stress about it.

Sigh. Sometimes it's just hard.

There's been a lot of emotional shit to deal with this year. Lots of changes, some of it good, like the new job. But my whole life seems to be out of whack at times. I feel very out of balance. Showing up is a good goal. That probably works for outside of CrossFit too. Show up and be present.