Joy

joy

joi/

noun

1a :  the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires :  delight

 b :  the expression or exhibition of such emotion :  gaiety 

2:  a state of happiness or felicity :  bliss 

3 :  a source or cause of delight

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/joy

My orthopedic doctor, when she explained to me that I should refrain from high intensity or overhead movements or workouts (like running and CrossFit), offered that she hoped she wasn't taking away my joy by saying that. I said that she wasn't, that I needed someone to tell me to stop because I would keep trying otherwise. Later, I realized, it also didn't matter because I'd already stopped (and started, and stopped, and started) enough times to have long lost my joy in those things. At some point, it started to feel like work. Over time, it became something I wasn't good at anymore (before realizing I was actually injured). Then it became difficult and painful. And now, I can't do any of it.

There was a point where I thought I just wasn't working hard enough. Or I was not consistent enough or not hydrated enough or not focused enough or not determined enough or... It is hard to let that all go when it has been the one thing holding me all together, making me who I am. But, when you have to remake your world because nothing is the same anymore (and for a middle child that is very difficult) maybe letting it go is what is necessary. At any rate, it was necessary to let it go because I couldn't do it anymore.

Now who am I?

My true joy, for the past 21 years, has been My Love. Love of my life. Joy of my days. It is how we greet each other nearly every day. And those little ones bring me lots of joy as well. I am a very lucky woman indeed! But, creating my own joy is also important. Motorcycling is joyful, sometimes stressful but mostly joyful. Work, it is also a joy to be able to do what I love and know that it matters. And I'm pretty good at it so, that helps. Being an athlete also brings me joy. And I'm good at it. I need that in my life. I do. It is a part of who I am.

I have a PT appointment on Friday. I made an appointment with a new massage therapist for next month. It is hopefully a step on the road to recovery and rejuvenation. And discovery. This is a new journey for me. A new challenge to rebuild. It certainly won't be easy. I'm feeling my age for sure. A new challenge to rediscover myself.

Wish me luck!